So today was a struggle. I have a FEW boils that are in not so good places and the pain I feel is almost unbearable. Yet I still smile when asked "How are you today?" I say "I'm OK". The reason I say I'm okay is because I feel like nobody cares to hear the truth.Truth is I'm NOT Okay!!!!! I have constant pain, fatigue and depression, but yet I get up every morning and put on a Happy face because I have to work to pay for this illness. I get to work and people ask "are u OK?" Yea I'm OK with a smile.... all the while I'm breaking inside because I'm sick of being asked. As if you really care to know how I really feel. As if you would believe me or even comprehend the pain I'm going through on a daily. Just because you cant see it or because I don't LOOK sick on the outside. My body is being invaded by lesion's and boils that are appearing faster than the next mornings sunrise. I am being made to feel guilty at work because I cant sit and do my job for long periods of time. My boss asks "cant you schedule these on your days off?" Really? as if its all in my head and I am making this up! As if that is not enough that my quality of life has ripped away from me. I cant go out and be with friends because most days I can barely walk. My finances are a mess because I haven't got a full paychk in months. I have to call in 2-3 days a week because I cant sit in the car to even drive to work. I am going to the doctor 3-4 times a week and they are charging me co-pay almost every visit. My life....What Life? I Wont keep a man around because I am to embarrassed about my situation to say anythg for fear of judgement or their fear that I may be contagious. So I push people away! I have my own issues I'm dealing with is what I tell myself to pacify the pain. Am I Depressed? Maybe I am. Am I Sad? Yes, all the time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I pray that this will end soon I pray that all the medicine that they are filling my body with will help me because I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. I'm not saying that I would even think about ending it all But you may find me in a padded room soon lol because something has got to give and I'm hoping that it will not be me!! Today was a NOT so GOOD Day!!!
Ebonie Gabriel
July 17,2011 12:14 am
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Faith.....Do you really have it?
Definition of FAITH
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a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust
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: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs <the Protestant faith>
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My Mother and I just recently had a a conversation about FAITH. As most of you know I have been suffering from an illness that cause me to be in alot of pain. It also causes depression and fatigue. My mom is always telling me that things will be OK and I just have to have FAITH. But do I really have FAITH? We say that we have FAITH and we say that we believe that GOD is real but, WHY is it so hard to rationalize that God will make it alright if we believe in him and his word? Its kinda silly that we put so much faith in MAN and doubt GOD. Even after all the Blessing we have received. We know it was God that did all these things for us. We know that it was GOD that helped you when that Bill was due and you had no idea where you would get the money. You know it was GOD that got you thru a tough relationship that didn't workout and you thought he/she was the one. It was GOD that woke you up this morning to go to that Job he blessed you with in the Car he also blessed you to have. We all sometimes get caught up in life and don't stop to Give thanks for what we have because if it weren't for GOD we wouldn't have these things. So why is it so hard for human kind to except and comprehend? I will tell you WHY.... We are a generation that has see it to believe it. We don't believe in things not seen. Faith is just that believing that all things NO matter what it is will be taken care of because you believe in GOD almighty. And you/we should know that if it is in GOD's will that he will supply all that we need and some of what we want if we are obedient to his word. Have you been obedient? Thank God that he is a loving and forgiving GOD and he will forgive me for not being faithful to him and his word. I know that I am here because of him and he shows me favor. I am ashamed that I didn't call on my faith or should I say believe whole heartily that he would see me thru this. I know that this storm is only for alil while and without Test there are No Testimony. And I know that I know better because My Father (god) taught me better than that! lol .....
Thanks Mom! CDG
Ebonie Gabriel
07/01/11
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